shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
