I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
