tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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