Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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