a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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