You're so nebulous sometimes
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
