see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
