I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
