fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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