After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
