I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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