my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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