he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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