i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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