and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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