I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
