We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
