So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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