I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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