I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
