Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
