Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
