I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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