Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
