You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
