So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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