the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
