ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
