in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
