you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
