Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
