I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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