sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
