I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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