I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
