Just cropdusted the office
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
