awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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