Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
