I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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