On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
