dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
