pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
