We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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