last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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