Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
well I can't set my house on fire every night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
