He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
