I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
