You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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