i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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