Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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