I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
