At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Semen is not good for contacts.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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