I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
