why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
