This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
