I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Less talking, more tequila
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
