you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
What a fucking waste of an outfit
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Let's paint friendship bongs
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
